When mothers become strangers to their children, deviance flourishes

S. N. Msasanuri
Bongo blast

A CERTAIN family was shocked to get an unrealistically high telephone bill and the father decided to get to the bottom of the matter and find out the person responsible. So he approached his wife and asked her whether she was the one who had been using the phone, but the wife distanced herself and said: “I don’t know anything about it, I don’t use the phone. Actually, when I want to make calls natumia simu ya kazini. So stop bothering me and ask the maid.”

The man saw sense in what his wife was telling him and he asked the maid, who replied: “You can ask your firstborn child because mimi nikitaka kupiga simu natumia simu ya kazini.” Goes one of the jokes depicting the relationship between domestic workers and their bosses.

Domestic workers (house girls and garden boys) have for a long time been essential components of most households. Not only do they give a helping hand but end up crossing the sacred line and satisfy insatiable sexual appetites of their bosses. In most cases, they provide the missing link by fulfilling the duties one of their masters who will be too busy to fulfill or in other cases will be too casual and weak to an extent that he or she leaves a partner unsatisfied.

This has led to a lot of bickering and mistreatment especially of house girls by the ladies of the house. Bickering, counter accusations and back biting characterizes the relationship between a maid and her madam.

As I grew up, I never stopped wondering why wherever I went wadada, as they are affectionately known, had two images. In the eyes of their madams, they were incompetent, silly, dirty and in many cases were referred to as ugly. But contrary to this image, male children at the house and their fathers had other thoughts. They give these sisters the respect they deserve to the extent of calling them beauties, warm and tender people who are genuine employees there to fulfill their duties diligently.

I also noticed that most women are not comfortable employing a “city girl” for a maid. When they want a maid they send their relatives or friends going upcountry to bring one for them. They want someone who poses no threat to them and their marriage.

One day, I overheard some respectable women in the community having a conversation about these helpers. One of them in advising the other said don’t ever employ these city girls as maids, “wadada wa hapa jijini wajanja sana wanakuchukulia mume wako.”

This has led to the lives of these poor and innocent souls to become a living hell. Most women feel threatened with the mere presence of a maid. They see maids as threats to their marriages and as people bent on soiling their marriages.

So most women resort to ill treating the girls and they even go to an extent of coining derogatory names for the servants. These are only aimed at demeaning them and making them perceive themselves as useless and unfit to pursue the boss’ husband.

For sure, there have been many incidences where baba anampa mimba house girl. But who is to blame? Some women, because they are formally employed and sometimes earn a salary higher than that of their husbands, turn themselves into invincibility. They quickly forget who they are and the role they need to play for their marriage to succeed.

The problem is some women forget that despite being formally employed they have a role to play in the family. As married women they need to make their men feel their presence in a better way.

The problem usually starts when the maid assumes duties of the madam of the house. I have heard of many wadada complaining of their madams’ laziness to an extent that they are forced to do some unimaginable things.

Some madams have become so lazy that they can’t make up their own beds and worse still wash not only their husbands’ undergarments, but even their own. Yes dear reader it’s true. It is a fact that some house girls are made to not only clean their masters’ bedrooms, wash their masters’ undergarments but their madams suddenly forget what stays where. They often tell their husbands to ask the maid where his socks or pants are.

Some madams are just too dirty and have developed I don’t care attitude in life. They see marriage as having achieved what they wanted and see no reason to bath. As soon as they get married, suddenly they forget all the hair styles they used to put on when they were still single and searching. This reminds me of a singer whose song warns ladies that they should not change the way they look after themselves when they get married.

In some circumstances, some women have been blamed for turning into animals as they nag their husbands. This drives husbands away and the only option they think of is to find solace in other women, house girls included. In fact house girls are sometimes nicknamed painkillers

Who will be to blame if the husband seeks solace in a house girl who because is still searching is trying by all means to keep up appearances?

I can spend the whole day pointing weaknesses some women have that force their husbands to eat mapanya walioko nyumbani. I am saying so because a certain friend of mine told me that house girls are like rats. When they work for you and stay with you, they are like rats, you can’t eat them, they are forbidden fruit. But, if you come across someone’s house girl, then she is like a mouse you can snare that one and eat without any problem.

Men, don’t think you are exonerated from this problem. In fact you are the trouble makers as there is no justification in leaving your loved one, the lady of your dreams and the one you promised on the alter that on your wedding day that “until death do us part”.

What happened to this promise? Most house girls have been taken advantage of and some of them have gone to the extent of being raped by shameless men who can’t find satisfaction in their wives.

Men should learn to control their wild appetites that force them to go out of their way not only to taste what the house girl cooks but also what she has.

Enough about men, I am much worried about the madams I have mentioned before, who forget their duties. This is the reason deviance is increasing among our children. They are a forgotten lot. They don’t know what mother’s love is like.

Most children are left at the mercy of house maids who teach them their way of life. In most cases, these maids unload their frustrations on the child. They take all the mistreatments they endure from their bosses onto an innocent child.

Some maids are wachawi, yes real witches while some are Satanists. They usually teach these children their ways of life. I also think it is one of the reasons some parents are shocked when their children become gays or lesbians.

Society is awash with sad stories of children who died or were left traumatized after maids mistreated them. The problem of deviance will never end in this country as long as mothers continue to trust maids with their children.

I have often seen many children crying when ever their mothers try to hold them, after a long day at work, preferring to remain with the maid than the mother. The mothers become strangers to their own children. It is vital for every mother to bring up a child the way she likes him to be. But, in most cases, children end up being strangers to their own parents.

It remains true that many women are formally employed and just like their husbands wake up very early only to come late, but, it is important that they utilize the very little time they have with their children, to create a special bond that will enable the child to grow up as a good citizen.

Stop depriving your children of motherly love and make sure that you train them in a manner that whenever they grow up they will never depart from it. Mothers, stop being strangers to your children and produce children you will be proud of tomorrow. God bless you.

bongoblast@thisday.co.tz