Of married bachelors, married widows and marriages of convenience

Tanzania last week joined the rest of the world in commemorating the World Family Day. But since that day I have been asking myself whether as a nation, we have something we can look back on and be proud of in as far the institution of marriage and family are concerned.

It is an open secret that this day comes at a time when the institution of marriage is under threat, not only in this country, but through out the world. People are divorcing as if it's a competition of some sort. On the other hand cohabiting is fast becoming the in thing.

I know culture is dynamic and the way of life people lead, changes over time, but it seems as if the waves of cultural imperialism and invasion are too strong for us, especially our youths to an extent that they are left confused.

While long back, a family was considered as the basic unit for social integration, where children were modeled to fit into the society and in most cases, they carried these values unto death, nowadays, families are more of business entities or rather institutions of convenience, where two people with different interests live together for personal aggrandizement.

It is a shame because this always has a reflex effect where products of these marriages are half baked. These become social misfits, leading to the proliferation of deviance in our society. This country is battling crimes such as banditry, cattle rustling, murder and corruption just but to mention a few and if we trace the root cause of this problem we discover that most if not all the people who are involved in these hideous acts come from unstable families. Most of them are half baked in the sense that in their up bringing, they lacked vital components such as love and care.

Increasing moral decay in the society, dominated this year's family day commemorations held in Zanzibar last week. Parents and teachers in the isles bemoaned the ever rising moral decay, citing misbehaving, use of illicit drugs, increased absenteeism in schools, unwanted pregnancies, school dropouts, increased divorce rates and children abandonment as some of the most common problems bedeviling many families.

The love for money has led to parents to become cold towards their children, depriving them attention and love. And, if this continues, then no light can be seen from the end of a dark tunnel and we should declare marriage endangered.

I was shocked recently when I cam across a debate on Facebook on married bachelors. At first I couldn't come to terms with the subject and asked myself how someone can be married and at the same time be a bachelor but after assessing the reality on the ground, especially in these unions of convenience we call marriage today, I discovered that many married men are bachelors.

They may be putting on wedding rings, boasting of having one of the most beautiful women on earth or the one with the most rugged terrain in Bongoland or what ever, but the fact remains that they are more of bachelors than married men.

These are mostly victims of the modern society where women, having fought for their rights, are now equal to men. They are as equal decision makers as men and have a lot of influence when it comes to matters concerning their families. To add more misery to most men is the very tired working woman, who toils all day to feed her family to an extent that she forgets that ugali is in abundance where she came from. In other words, she forgets the real thing she came for.

The zeal to get rich has made both men and women to forget the real reason they got married. They forget that as parents, they have duties to perform and in most cases they dedicate their duties to servants of the house.

A scenario where the mother of the house leaves home very early in the morning to beat transport woes and returns home late daily. This woman has no alternative but to leave everything in the hands of a maid. Under these circumstances, the man becomes a married bachelor.

The same applies to men, who practically abandon their families for one reason or the other. There are some men, whose children don't know their faces because they come home late everyday and leave early in the morning.

A story is told of a man who used to come very late drunk everyday and leaving early in the morning to an extent that his only child did not have the chance to talk to him. The child only knew his father through the scent of beer.

So one day, the mother decided to go shopping with the small boy and they used a road that passed by a certain pub. Upon catching the scent of beer, the child pulled the mother's hand and said “Mama hapa kuna harufu ya baba, twende tukamchukue”.

The mother had a torrid time trying to convince the little child that it wasn't the father but a mere pub where beer is sold. That is what happens when wives become widows while their husbands are still alive. When it comes to this problem, I think women are the most affected. There are more widows out there than bachelors.

The problem of nyumba ndogos and girlfriends have reduced many wives to mere place holders who continue to live with their so called husbands for the sake of dignity and children. We have so many people who love their bottle more than their wives. These can forgo going home but cannot do without gulping one or two.

I am not exonerating women on this. There are some who fall into the same bracket, who love partying, drinking and pleasure more than their children. It is unfortunate that where two elephants fight, the grass suffers and this rightly applies to children who suffer the consequences of their parents' actions. The end result is a society full of watoto watundu and this leads to moral and social decay.

As long as families continue to be battle grounds, where the husbands and wives, because of their partners' unbecoming behaviour, continue being on a war path then the problem of deviance and other social misnomers will never end.

It is true that we are all what we are today because of our family backgrounds. A notorious armed robber was about to be executed after being sentenced to death by hanging. He was asked if he had a last wish and he said he wanted to see his mother for the last time.

The mother was called and the criminal politely asked the mother to come near because he wanted to whisper something into her ear. When the mother came closer, the robber chewed off his mother's ear. A battle ensured as the mother was trying to free herself but it was too late as the bigger part of the ear had been damaged.

He then yelled at his mother who was writhing in agony and told her that the reason he had done what he did was for it to serve as a reminder to her that she was the one responsible for his predicament. He also told her that he had become what he was because of the mother who had failed to give her proper guidance from the beginning.

Let's therefore, give our children the chance to be good citizens by teaching them good manners. We gain nothing when we defend our children after they do mischief. Even the holy book commands us not to spare the rod lest we spoil the child. God bless you.

bongoblast@thisday.co.tz